Lilac Wine

I found him on the floor in his own vomit.

I was in love with him, I still am.

I helped him to the bath where I stripped him and bathed him, and spoke to him softly.

He smiled at me, blew kisses at me.

His blurry eyes; they are green eyes, the most beautiful eyes that ever loved me.

I put him inside his white sheets naked.

I lay next to him close and quietly, stroking his face until he passed.

I cut a crescent lock of his black hair; he never stir.

While he slept, I cleaned; like nothing happened.

But, it is true they were there; I saw them.

I kissed him and lay my head on his heart.

Only the sound of his breath.

Only the sound of his blood.

When he woke, he did not know I had been there.


~ by Joy Suzanne Grazer on September 16, 2009.

23 Responses to “Lilac Wine”

  1. just reading this makes me feel so many different feelings. i feel sad at first becase of the addiction. it is so sad when people throw themselves into the gutter for drugs or drink. and the people who care for them always end up teriibly hurt by it. my uncle is an addict and my dad has suffered his whole like trying to get him well. it has make me very sensitive to it.
    then i feel a big love becuase here is this woman who is determined to help him and loves him despite his illness. i agrree it is both haunting and wonderful. i can relate. V.

  2. she is pretty beautiful, isn’t she. he should have had his stand with her. he is a fucking idiot

  3. I LOVE THIS. it makes me feel sad and at the same time it makes me feel really happy. it’s weird the dynamic. she loves him that’s obvious

  4. wow 2.0

  5. would love to go deeper more into your mind

  6. whoa

  7. eerily beautiful like someone else said. sad too, you know. people can be so lost and we are there to pick them up again because we love them. you are brave to write like you do about your feelings and experiences. please never stop. for yourself more than anything. much love

  8. this is pretty incredible. it is hard to understand why you would reveal something so personal especially since it caused you so much pain. i guess it is one way to get over the grief. but one thing you should consider is that the more you share, the more people will think they actually know you.
    good luck with your writing.

  9. uhhhh. what? this is crazy. is this poetry or a bad date? i agree with a previous poster, what a sicko! btw, you write like a crazy mixed up vixen she-devil… i love you.

  10. This is a popular one. Really heavy. I agree with the beauty because it shows how myth you love. I disagree with the eerie because sometimes life is just ugly. There us niching eerie or mysterious about it

  11. eerie and beautiful. you say you loved him and you still do. you must have been in deeply in love with hm to put up with all that crap. but, i get it. sometimes the people we love the most never know the sacrifices we make for them. they never appreciate what you do for them and use it up. did you marry him? or did he move on to someone who has never seen this side? (that would be more typical.)
    anyway, great job on these and good luck to you, Joy.

  12. looks like you are speaking to alot of us. some of your comments are pretty revealing. Who do you write about? well I hope you have learned from your past. I like how you share your loves. I will add tha it is risky. I have heard things

  13. I really like this poem. It speaks to me on so many levels.

  14. This post is so raw. This has to have really happened to you because I cannot even imagine someone making that up! But I love that you are like taking care of him and making sure everything is safe. It is like what you wanted him to be for you.

  15. You are really brave. i saw someone else ask if your posts are taken from real life. Does your art imitate life? It does not matter who you are taking about, the rawness (is that a word?) is as beautiful as you are.

  16. wow is right. who the hell are we talking about anyway? guess i am gonna have to google. but seriously, your stuff is great. keep it up

  17. wow! this entry seems to have gotten people all upset. i just wanted to say whoever these poems are about must be really messed up, or at least really hurts people. but the good thing is you have found a way to express yourself that is positive. and i will say very beautiful despite your abrupt and raw nature. i hope you find happiness joy. you are so beautiful and talented.

  18. BTW, one more memory this poem evoked has really disturbed me…Never have I met a person who thrives so heavily on playing with people’s emotions. It’s like a video game..the longer you stay, the harder the level gets and the more disrespect you have to endure to get to that next level. It seems that he’s finally found someone so worthless and void of self esteem to play this sick game with…until HE is completely bored, which will be very soon. I bet even he can’t believe he found someone so desperate for *things* she’ll never even see by the way–just the idea or hope that she *may* get material things. Brings his sadistic nature to even higher levels, and I didn’t know he could get any lower. He’s upped his own ante with this latest stunt….you throw this uneducated, low IQ having young woman to the wolves via a social network for your OWN material gain…while you sit back watching it all, pretending to be offended when you knew she was going to take the brunt…Oh, but then your sheep began to turn on *you* so it’s now real to you…you must prove them wrong…all the while burying yourself deeper. I am so glad to be free of this demon,and this poem helped me. Strength of character, a mind of your own, a life of your own, isn’t something that person values, nor can handle in a woman….and I”m glad I’ve got mine-strength- back….and I”m NEVER *going* back. I am free from this coward.

  19. You’re a beautiful woman and it’s HIS loss…if you got away from him, you need to feel lucky. Doesn’t love anyone–not even himself, thrives in chaos and drama….all the while attempting to make YOU feel less than human. He’s a liar, he’s a cheat, in short…. he’s the devil.

  20. this is crazy! i love that you are so open and honest with your feelings. it is so sad that love and pain can be so intertwined

  21. this makes my heart ache so much. someone i cared about was a drug addict and i always had to take care and it hurt me.

  22. good imagery. weird and deep

  23. I like your writing, it is very beautiful. I recently found out about your relationship with him although I had heard rumors for a couple of years. I too, had a long term love relationship with him at the same time, so I heard the same words you were told by him. I too thought we had a monogamous relationship, but I guess I was wrong. In the end, I think our relationship was about chaos and confusion and not about real love (he doesn’t care about that) or about trust (he doesn’t trust anyone, not even himself). I’m not surprised about his recent actions but feel some unkind actions were directed at me. Perhaps you feel the same way. I do feel stupid for believing in him and for thinking he would be respectful in his behavior but I was very wrong. He shared information and ideas with the people in his camp. So, I feel used and foolish. I am sorry to disclose his unfaithfulness since we are in the same boat. You are welcome to email me to discuss.

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